Diary = Personal Track Record

I hate to admit this, but really, I’m a horrible nocturnal.

It’s 1 AM now, yet I don’t wanna sleep yet and decide to post something instead. Well, better what I’m going to post isn’t another trash-worthy piece.

Ok, so I’ve just finished tidying up this blog after being abandoned for like 2 years. Somehow, I wondered what I really did with my life during that 2-year period though. Like, I don’t even remember I did something really productive with my life during these past 2 years. Well, except my graduation and my bachelor’s degree.

Back to the tidying up blog matter.

Being abandoned for 2 years, tidying up this blog really occupied my time for some hours. Actually, I was not only tidying up the posts and the pages, but I also deleted some posts. Some posts that are really cringe-making just by reading the first few sentences. Some posts that made me really wonder what I was even thinking when I typed those words, and the worst point of all is that I had the nerve to publish them. Oh God.

But, that was the fun! Reading all of silly and stupid things you once wrote when you’re already more grown up than you used to be is an entertaining activity. Somehow, it also makes you question your life and your sanity.

I was grown up in the middle of ordinary environment, I was like the other little girls believing in fairy tales, believing in prince with white horse, believing that if a boy kissed you (even on the cheek) can make you pregnant and writing diary. I used to love writing my daily life on my cute diary books in cute colorful pens. I literally wrote everything there starting from which boy I had crush in school, which friend I disliked because she is way prettier than me and made me invisible in front of my crush, up to all of my stupid acts and all of my stupid top secrets. I trusted my orange hello kitty diary that much, until one day during my teenager days in junior high, I caught my older sister and my mother were giggling while reading my diary. Then, the next thing I remember is they made fun of me for several days. That moment was my turning point in my life to realize that I should not trust everyone and everything that much. Damn deep, isn’t it?

I might not have any diaries now, but I have a blog! And this is just like my orange hello kitty diary 2.0. The huge difference is that I intentionally let other people read what I write here. What I write and publish is consciously on my watch. Yet, I’m still questioning my sanity in three and four years ago when I published those silly posts. There were 20 more posts that I didn’t hesitantly throw to trash button. There was this post where I literally blabbered and even asked “Lord, am I sane?” at the end of the post, and I literally yelled at my laptop  “no, girl. you’re drunk!”.

Those little stupid things might be embarassing me, yet they made my night. They are my own medicines when I need something to laugh at. Then, somehow they are also my reflection that I’ve been really grown-up because I found them silly and too childish. And who knows? Three or four years from now, I’ll find this post is also silly and too childish, too. That’s what makes me realize that writing is not only a relieving activity but somehow is also a growing-up activity.

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