Diary = Personal Track Record

I hate to admit this, but really, I’m a horrible nocturnal.

It’s 1 AM now, yet I don’t wanna sleep yet and decide to post something instead. Well, better what I’m going to post isn’t another trash-worthy piece.

Ok, so I’ve just finished tidying up this blog after being abandoned for like 2 years. Somehow, I wondered what I really did with my life during that 2-year period though. Like, I don’t even remember I did something really productive with my life during these past 2 years. Well, except my graduation and my bachelor’s degree.

Back to the tidying up blog matter.

Being abandoned for 2 years, tidying up this blog really occupied my time for some hours. Actually, I was not only tidying up the posts and the pages, but I also deleted some posts. Some posts that are really cringe-making just by reading the first few sentences. Some posts that made me really wonder what I was even thinking when I typed those words, and the worst point of all is that I had the nerve to publish them. Oh God.

But, that was the fun! Reading all of silly and stupid things you once wrote when you’re already more grown up than you used to be is an entertaining activity. Somehow, it also makes you question your life and your sanity.

I was grown up in the middle of ordinary environment, I was like the other little girls believing in fairy tales, believing in prince with white horse, believing that if a boy kissed you (even on the cheek) can make you pregnant and writing diary. I used to love writing my daily life on my cute diary books in cute colorful pens. I literally wrote everything there starting from which boy I had crush in school, which friend I disliked because she is way prettier than me and made me invisible in front of my crush, up to all of my stupid acts and all of my stupid top secrets. I trusted my orange hello kitty diary that much, until one day during my teenager days in junior high, I caught my older sister and my mother were giggling while reading my diary. Then, the next thing I remember is they made fun of me for several days. That moment was my turning point in my life to realize that I should not trust everyone and everything that much. Damn deep, isn’t it?

I might not have any diaries now, but I have a blog! And this is just like my orange hello kitty diary 2.0. The huge difference is that I intentionally let other people read what I write here. What I write and publish is consciously on my watch. Yet, I’m still questioning my sanity in three and four years ago when I published those silly posts. There were 20 more posts that I didn’t hesitantly throw to trash button. There was this post where I literally blabbered and even asked “Lord, am I sane?” at the end of the post, and I literally yelled at my laptop  “no, girl. you’re drunk!”.

Those little stupid things might be embarassing me, yet they made my night. They are my own medicines when I need something to laugh at. Then, somehow they are also my reflection that I’ve been really grown-up because I found them silly and too childish. And who knows? Three or four years from now, I’ll find this post is also silly and too childish, too. That’s what makes me realize that writing is not only a relieving activity but somehow is also a growing-up activity.

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Especially for you …

Really, if by any chance you read this post, I’d like to say thank you so much, since I never have confidence to tell about what I feel to you directly.

Well, the first time I knew you was in 2007. It was about 6 years ago. Wow, it’s a little bit unbelievable realizing that we’ve been known each other for 6 years, though we didn’t communicate since 2 years ago.

You know, if I recall the way how we met, how we knew each other, how we were in a relationship, how we were separated, then we were close again, then we were likely two persons who don’t know each other, and finally we are just like now, if only I think about those things, the fate between us is just funny though still be a mystery. 

6 years ago we knew each other due to fate. Yup, I can say it was fate since among so many boys out there, why was it you who chatted me up and even gave me your number. At that time, we were only two innocent teenagers who consider that having a relationship is as easy as having a doll, where in one day you can be with the doll all day long, but in the other days you can even forget that you have a doll that you can play with. Yeah, we were just so innocent at that time that we agreed to start our relationship regardless the fact that we were so much different. There was distance between us; from the real “distance” between your house and mine up to the distance between our age, our thought and even our feelings. After struggling to survive our ill relationship for 6 months, you were the one who gave up first. You just left me in confusion which is until now I still can’t figure out the reason why you left me first, without a single word of explanation. I still tried to call you, to ask for a little bit enlightenment of what was actually wrong from you. But then I found you were already with another girl you love, and both of you seemed happy. Then I finally decided to give up, and automatically our relationship ended.

I bet you don’t know this fact, but that was the first time I feel that my heart was broken. I felt like it hurted me so much that I cried over and over again. You are the first boy that I bring to my house and I introduce to my family directly. You are again the first boy who introduced me to the misery of being hurt, feeling betrayed, and feeling empty. But, now the more I think about it, the more I should thank you because it strengthened me. 

Well, time flew so fast. Day by day, I can completely bury my hurted feeling regarding you. Then, we can be friends again. It didn’t take a long time until you informed me that we will study in the same university. What a fate!

Since then, our relationship was getting abstract. I’m not really sure if our relationship can be called as friendship, since we have certain pattern in our relationship. There were times when we communicate frequently and then we didn’t communicate at all, and one day we will communicate regularly again and then we didn’t at all. And do you realize, that it was always you who start and end the communication first. What a you!

At last, I had no chance to tell you this in the past, so I’d like to tell you now, that once, in my life, you were special and even up to this point, when we have been apart for so long, you are still special for me. I might never be in both of your heart and mind for real, but I just want you to know that you and your name always have a special little spot in my heart. I tell you this not because I want you nor I want to be with you again. These all are just what I want to confess and what I want you to know. Now, you live your life and so do I. Time changed, the world changed, and we also changed. It makes me pretty happy to know that you are mature now; you are being serious regarding your present relationship and your girl. Just be a nice husband and father in the future yaaa, No~ I do really hope that you will read this post 😉

Let’s say hello to 2013!

Good night! 🙂

Let’s say hello to 2013!

It’s been really long time ago I wrote and posted something in this blog. I really had ignored my blog for long long time. All I can do now is just saying sorry officially to my blog and all of my blog readers (even though I’m not sure there is any, Hehe) for playing ignorant these times.

However, this is 2013 already! Let’s leave those things behind and start a new page! I know that this is a bit late to greet a new year coming, since today is the 20th of January. Fortunately, it’s better being late to welcome the coming of 2013 with high enthusiasm and spirit than never at all, isn’t??

Well, in this first posting in 2013, what I want to write here is just my personal proposal. Proposal? Yup, proposal including my resolutions to be realized in further times in 2013. This is such my new way to pray to Allah SWT for all things that I want to achieved in this new year. 🙂 Of course, I ask for things that can make me to be a better person.

Let’s start … Bismillah …

Before going to the proposal, I want to recap the things that I could do, get, and achieve in 2012. I want to say thank for them first. But, may be not all things happened can be listed here since my recalling skill is not that good.

Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah SWT for giving me chance to go through 2012 with it’s unique and impressive memories. I want to say thank sincerely for:

– making my family more harmonious.

– granting me many lessons to learn from KKN in Purwakarta.

– giving me nine new and great friends from KKN group.

– giving me chance to change my mobile and laptop.

– giving me precious chance to go to Wates for meeting all of my family there, especially my lovely Mbah Putri.

– granting me my 21st years of life.

– introducing me to great people in Muda Mulia and Great Muslimah.

– granting me the precious experience of being involved in Muda Mulia training.

– granting me health.

– granting me faith in You.

This is another new year for me. Another chance that have been entrusted to me by You. Therefore, this is my proposal including my resolutions to be realized in this year. Only if You accept it, then it can really happen and really can be achieved by me. My resolutions to be realized in 2013 are:

– submitting my research proposal in January.

– making an English club for all children around my house namely ‘Ribbon’ in February/March.

– being able to visit orphanage once a month starting from February/March.

– doing blood donation regularly (once three months) starting from January/February.

– joining the community of Great Muslimah Bandung in February/March.

– joining the gathering of Muda Mulia alumni in February.

– doing my PLP as the best as I can s.tarting from January/February

– conducting my research and writing my paper while I’m doing my PLP.

– finishing my study in August/December.

– running my own business in March/April.

– running my partnership business with Memeng in February/March.

– getting lost weights (hehe).

– getting job right after the graduation.

– visiting my family in Jogja in Lebaran.

– doing Qurban.

– making English Course namely ‘Ribbon’.

– writing regularly (at least once a week) and posting it to my blog starting from January.

– joining another language course (French, Korea?).

– joining sewing course.

– khatam-ing my Quran in January/February.

– doing sedekah regularly once a day.

– having fasting regularly (Daud’s fasting).

Well, so far those things are expected things that I can think for now. I might add another thing as time goes by later on. Then, I’ll make sure that I’ll tell you when it happens. By the way, don’t forget to say Amin after reading my post yaa 🙂 You know, when you sincerely pray for someone, then the result will not only be felt by the person who you pray for only, but it will also be felt by you. 😀

It’s been late night already. I think I need to sleep now. Thanks for reading and bye. As what I’ve mentioned in the list of resolutions above, this year I will try to write regularly.  So, hopefully it can be realized.

Bye! 🙂

Teruntuk kalian ‘disana’…

Bismillah…

Bapa, tak terasa sudah 4 tahun lamanya aku tak bisa menggunakan panggilan kesayangan  ‘Bapa’ untuk memanggilmu. Mamah, tak terasa sudah 1 tahun lamanya aku tak bisa menggunakan panggilan kesayangan  ‘Mamah’ untuk memanggilmu lagi. Bahkan mungkin lidah ini, diri ini, sudah tak ingat lagi betapa  nikmatnya memanggil kalian dengan sebutan ‘Bapa’ dan ‘Mamah’. Atau mungkin diri ini sudah tak ingat lagi bagaimana terakhir kalinya respon kalian atas panggilanku itu.

Entah mengapa Bapa, Mamah, mengapa baru aku sadari sekarang ini jika memanggil kalian dengan sebutan itu merupakan sebuah nikmat serta anugerah luar biasa yang telah Allah swt titipkan padaku, namun dengan piciknya nikmat itu, anugerah itu, tak pernah aku syukuri. Aku terlalu sibuk dengan sifat serta pemikiranku yang tak dewasa dan kekanak-kanakan, dimana  dengan sengajanya ku panggil kalian dengan intonasi kesal dan bahkan membentak. Astagfirullahaladzhim…

Entah mengapa kesadaranku sungguh terlambat. Hanya jika Allah mengizinkan ku untuk mengulang semua waktu yang telah ku sia-siakan itu, tak akan pernah aku membentak kalian sekali pun. Hanya akan ada panggilan lembut dan mulia bagi kalian berdua, Bapa dan Mamah. Hanya jika waktu itu dapat terputar kembali.

Namun, kemudian aku kembali lagi tersadar semua itu telah terlambat. Tak akan ada waktu yang dapat terputar kembali, tak akan ada waktu yang dapat diulang. Apa yang sudah terjadi, apa yang sudah aku lakukan di waktu lampau hanya bisa jadi ratapan penyesalanku saat ini. Saat dimana fisik kalian sudah tidak dapat kulihat lagi. Saat fisik kalian tak dapat ku sentuh lagi.

Mamah, Bapa, kini hanya melalui doa pada-Nya aku bisa ‘berkomunikasi’ dengan kalian. Hanya melalui doa pada-Nya aku bisa menyatakan betapa besarnya rasa sayangku pada kalian. Hanya melalui doa pada-Nya, aku bisa mengungkapkan penyesalanku dan perminta-maafanku pada kalian. Sungguh hanya melalui doa pada Allah swt.

Sungguh, Mamah dan Bapa, entah akan jadi sebesar apa rasa rinduku pada kalian. Entah sudah berapa ratus liter air mata yang aku teteskan saat rasa rindu itu teramat berat menghujam hatiku. Terkadang aku pun lelah dan tak cukup kuat untuk membendungnya. Namun, Alhamdulillah, nasehat kalian dahulu  yang selalu mengingatkan ku bahwa masih ada yang lebih mencintaiku di dunia ini dibanding kalian.  Bahwa masih ada tempat utama untukku mengadu di saat aku rapuh, saat aku tak kuat. Bahwa masih ada yang selalu bisa menguatkan aku. Hanya Dia. Ya, hanya Dia-lah Yang Maha Besar Allah swt. Dia-lah Penciptaku, Tuhanku Yang Esa.

Mamah, Bapa, restuilah anak mu ini agar bisa menjadi ‘sesuatu’. Menjadi ‘sesuatu’ yang mampu menebar benih kebaikan, menebar manfaat di sisa hidupnya. Serta bisa menjadi seseorang yang selalu takut, patuh, dan taat pada Tuhannya. Menjadi seseorang yang shalihah yang doa-doanya untuk kalian mampu menenangkan kalian ‘disana’.

Sungguh, tak ada yang lebih kunantikan dibanding saat kita sekeluarga bisa berkumpul kelak di surga. Saat dimana hanya akan ada panggilan lembut dan mulia yang akan aku persembahkan untuk kalian.

Ya, Allah, lapangkanlah serta terangilah kubur Ayah dan Ibuku. Jauhkanlah mereka dari siksa-Mu yang teramat berat. Serta pertemukan dan kumpulkanlah kami kembali di surga kelak, Ya Rabb. Hanya pada-Mu lah hambamu yang lemah ini meminta. Hanya pada-Mu lah aku bergantung. Hanya pada-Mu lah sesungguhnya hidup dan matiku, sadar dan tidurku, diam dan gerakku. Hanya Engkau Yang Maha Besar.

Amiiiiin Ya Robbal Alamin.

This is supposed to be my silly resolution but…

I’m not listing my resolutions for this year yet. In fact, it’s been the 23rd day of January, which means it will be too late to list my resolutions and to gain my new year’s spirit (in my view at least). But, this is very not me, if I don’t know yet what will be my new resolutions. It’s just a matter of time. I’m just too busy to write them down or let’s be honest; I’m too lazy to list them down. 😀

Well, since I know already what will be my resolutions, I won’t list them down temporarily up to this time. However, since I referred to one of those resolutions as the silly one, I wanna tell you about this ridiculous one. Well, the resolution referred is having a boyfriend (or let’s say a future-life-partner).

Actually, I had discussed this resolution with Dimas couple days ago and he said that it is not silly (in fact it embarrasses me to tell him about this one). I don’t know where did I get an enlightenment for including the want-to-have-a-future-life-partner resolution to be one of my resolutions, which means that I need effort to make it real and happened. I can be classified as a not-really-charming woman who is not really interesting in doing several tricks to get somebody’s attention. I am also a not-really-friendly woman who is easily getting involved in certain new situation, new people, and the other new things. Regarding those facts, it seems so hard for me to get a man that I want, or even to get a man that I don’t really like for sure. In love business, I can be called as a passive player. I don’t wanna break the norm when a woman is ideally being attracted by a man and not the reverse. So, I just wanna wait for someone that has enough bravery to get my intention because I still believe in God. I have God and I have faith upon Him that He will always give me something that I need in the right time that may not be predicted by me and myself before. Since life-partner is one of my destinies decided by Him, I just wanna wait until the time arranged by Him comes. That’s a good principle, isn’t it? 🙂

I’m quite busy since couple months ago, so actually I don’t have enough time to think something unnecessary like this one. But recently, my university give me a break for several next days before entering the new semester and there’s no a large number of things that I have to finish off, so I have plenty of spare time.
Then you know what I’m doing to spend the spare time, I watch many Korean dramas that show me a beautiful and a want-to-get-that-one love story. It makes me more ridiculous and complicated because I wanna meet my future life partner in those beautiful and unique ways. I know this will happen. As usual, when I have plenty of spare time, I will go mad and think some foolish things and innocently I will hope that such foolish things will be real. As if, one day, I will meet a handsome, rich, fashionable, manly, brawny man incidentally and the man will like me from the first sight, but foolishly I will hate him so much because one and another unreasonable reasons (in fact, when I meet that kind of man, I even can’t think about anything else except feeling so grateful for having a chance to stare at that creation). Then, in the next episodes after that incidental-but-merciful accident, there will come a man that loves me secretly and also there will appear another woman that will be depicted as a more-beautiful-than-me lady who comes from a high-class of society who has special childhood relationship with the guy that I foolishly hate. So, there will be a square-love among us. But, finally, I will fall in love with the guy that I hate previously and so does he. And at the end of the drama, I will live happily ever after. Amiiiiiiiin.

What a drama! What a life! What a dream! What a resolution! What a me!

How are you??

Tears.
Prayers.
Wishes.
I just can make those three things above when I miss you and when I question myself about your condition.
I had not made you happy and proud of me yet when you were still alive.
Even now, when I can’t see you any longer.
I haven’t be the best of me yet. I haven’t done my best yet.
I’m such a bad daughter for you, but I want you to know that I’m trying and I’ll always try to be better.
That will be very hard to do, I know.
But, I have promised myself. I will change myself to be someone better than before. I had promised you too, hadn’t I?
Thanks to you, even though I can’t see your presences, I still can feel your love within my heart.
Love you and Miss you so much already,

Dear Mom and Dad

A Letter to You in the Heaven.

Dear, you in the Heaven.

This is the 17th Saturday that I spent without you.
The 17th Saturday without your soft voice, without your beautiful smile, without your funny stories, without your annoying advice and without all about you.
But, one thing for sure is that this Saturday will be the gate for the other Saturdays that will welcome me, the other Saturdays without you.

“I’m fine!”
That’s the only one sentence that I wanna hear from you right now.
But, I know that my hope is quite excessive.
I hope something that is quite impossible to be real.
How silly I am!

Before all, I predicted that life will be harder without you.
I predicted that life must be so harsh without you that I was very afraid to lose you.
But, then you left me for real.
And the thing I was afraid of happened!
I live my life without you from that Saturday morning to this time.
And guess what!
Life doesn’t change as extreme as I thought before.
You know, I can go through my life same as before you left me.
Even, I’m tougher and stronger than before.

And I know the reason’s why.
All of your prays did.
All of your prays that make me tougher and stronger, and make this life doesn’t change as extreme as I thought before.
All of your prays that strengthen me for surviving my life and reaching the dreams that had been discussed for long time ago.

And I believe.
All of your prays will accompany me for keeping through.
All of your prays will strengthen me more.
All of your prays will help me for reaching the dreams that had been discussed for long time ago.
All of your prays will stay with me till I meet you one day!

MOM,
I Love You extremely!
I Miss You so bad!

DAD,
I Love You extremely!
I Miss You so bad!

Rest in Peace for you two,

Sincerely,
Your Daughter